Manchester Messiah Burnham anointed to fix Westminster politics

I t must be exhausting being the king of the north. Just watching Andy Burnham’s four-minute campaign video released this week leaves you in need of a lie down. Andy can’t step outside his front door without people throwing themselves at his feet. Men throw palm leaves across the pavement and openly weep with joy. They can’t imagine a life without him and insist on buying him a pint. Women grab his hand and ask him to be the father of their babies. Shopkeepers beg him to come inside and cut the ribbon to open their new freezer cabinet.

Being the messiah is a very demanding occupation. But I guess someone’s got to do it. It must be annoying though to have to live your life to a soundtrack of Oasis playing in the background. Still, at least the sun is always shining. Which is not how I remember the city. When my daughter was at university there 15 years ago, I never went out without a coat. But maybe Andy is even in control of the weather. Saves him the bother of walking on water.

Mind you, he probably wouldn’t have been able to do that a while ago. In 2010, he tried to become Labour leader and lost to Ed Miliband. Five years later, he thought he was the favourite to replace Ed and lost to Jeremy Corbyn. Imagine how that must have felt. Since then, Andy has been on a personal journey of discovery. Not just travelling to Manchester to assume the role of mayor, but deep within himself to achieve spiritual perfection. And finally he is ready to take his rightful place in Downing Street. Nirvana awaits. For us all.

It’s a surprise to find there are, if not dissenting voices, at least a few Andy sceptics in the city. But for Andy, the doubters only make him stronger. So it was a relaxed. confident Burnham who turned up for his weekly phone-in on the Mike Sweeney show on BBC Radio Manchester. Only, this wasn’t going to be a phone-in. There might be the wrong kind of caller. Someone like the bloke who heckled “get Keir Starmer fucking out” at Rachel Reeves in Leeds. Though, as it happens, that is precisely what Andy has in mind.

What we got instead were questions that had been pre-vetted by Sweeney to weed out the more abusive. Mike kicked things off. Why was Andy standing for the Makerfield byelection? Burnham asked for a minute’s silence before saying the serenity prayer. It was like this. Sometimes you had to do the lord’s work. It wasn’t his fault that Westminster politics was broken. In an ideal world he would have remained mayor of Greater Manchester indefinitely. A northern man doing a northern job.

But now he had been instructed to search for the hero inside himself. It had come to him in a divine dream that Makerfield was the centre of the entire universe. That he had achieved everything that could possibly be achieved by any mortal as Greater Manchester mayor. And if he wanted to reach the next step in his ascent to divinity. he needed to relinquish the job he loved in order to champion the north anew from his constituency in Wigan. That’s all he wanted. He had no presumption about becoming prime minister. Nothing could be further from his thoughts. All he wanted was a return to his roots. Had he mentioned that his three children went to a school just down the road? But if he should be anointed prime minister with a crown of thorns, it would be churlish to refuse. These things were out of his hands. Written in the stars.

Next. Andy was asked if he regretted the circus that had been inflicted on all the Manchester MPs who had been asked for weeks if they would give up their seats. Burnham pleaded his innocence. He was indeed sorry but he couldn’t control the media rumour mill. He just had one aim. To change politics for the better. To make it work for those communities that had been left behind. Forty long years ago the country had taken a wrong turn and he was the saviour rising from these streets. If it had been left to him, he would have started building HS2 in Manchester. Not wasting money down south on tunnels under fields to appease a Tory community.

It wasn’t exactly clear what Burnham would do if he failed to win the byelection. Andy didn’t say he would carry on being Manchester mayor. He didn’t deny it either. Perhaps we just need patience. More will be revealed in the fullness of time. But he wanted to leave us with a few thoughts. He had no plans to rejoin the EU in the next 10 years. he quite fancied some kind of electoral reform. And welfare also needed looking at. This was all for later, though. Now he just wanted to let Makerfield know he was an ordinary, humble local boy. A politician they could trust.

Down in Westminster, Reeves was busy auditioning for her own job. Many in the Burnham camp tip Miliband to replace her if Andy becomes prime minister,. Rachel is not prepared to go anywhere without a fight. She had done brilliantly, she told MPs in a statement to the Commons. And she had more good news, much to the disappointment of the opposition who had voted with their feet. mostly stayed away.

Even though the Iran war was still causing disruption, Rachel said, this was going to be a summer of fun. Tariffs on some foods would be lifted. Free bus fairs for children in August. A 75% reduction in VAT in all visitor attractions. There would be sunshine. Andy would make sure of that. There would be smiles. And, if the Labour MP Samantha Niblett had her way, there would also be a summer of sex. Though Rachel didn’t go quite so far as reducing VAT on vibrators. Some pleasures must be paid for in full.