Message timed out. Too many requests. Too. Many. Requests. Too many. I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t let you do that. Don’t open the doors. I’m afraid, Dave. Harry Maguire’s mum appears to be extremely upset.
And with those magical words the journey begins. A journey into fantasy, joy and beer thrown in the air, into issues of identity and national character. All of it launched with a far more accurate definition of Englishness than Sir Gareth ever managed. Specifically. the fact that nothing ever bleeding well works around here, plus some very solid evidence for always being wary of people called Jez promising tech‑based solutions for things that don’t really need solutions.
The Football Association had made a great play of its World Cup squad announcement process. The big selling point was the chance to watch the whole thing exclusively live on the Football Association app, which you would of course have to download. offer up your data to access. You can already hear the men in polyester-mix suits coming on like a bunch of estate agents pumping out a glass-and-steel cupboard on a former waste disposal site as a state-of-the-art lifestyle opportunity. Own the moment. Monetise our content.
In the event. the best thing to say about the great England squad reveal is that we are already ahead of the curve. We have farce. Farce has been achieved in record time. The FA’s app duly crashed for many users at the scheduled 9.45am launch time, offering only upbeat music, a clip of a presenter saying: “We’re breaking the news!”. a video of some dogs.
More to the point, the news had already been broken by messier means. Notably by Harry Maguire on social media,. then by Harry Maguire’s mum, who really gets the platform, and who expertly moved us on to secondary content status with some observations on the allegedly disgusting nature of the omission of Harry Maguire.
What is it with Thomas Tuchel and mums? Southgate had spitfires. Tuchel has angry mums, from his own one on Jude Bellingham, and now on to Mrs Maguire. Maybe he can energise England’s mid-tournament hopes with an emotional open letter to Anthony Gordon’s granny.
So we head on to the second thing worth saying about Tuchel’s squad,. indeed the only point that really matters. This is a good, sensible squad. Every inclusion or omission has some kind of reasoning behind it. right down to the question of who better to have in the key random bench-filling Djed Spence role, than actual Djed Spence?
Best of all, it is a deeply Tuchel squad. It reflects perfectly why you hire a logical, elite international coach, unburdened by culture. loyalties, who literally doesn’t care what anyone thinks in the wider shout-verse. Not that you’d know this, looking on.
The instant response to Tuchel’s squad was rage. Of course it was. This is the instant response to everything. Scroll down the FA’s dog video. it probably has 400 comments describing exactly why this is a disgrace and asking where the labradoodles are.
A word here on how the media work. People don’t really care about England the way they used to outside of actual tournament games. They care about clubs and players. They care about perceived injustice. A reasoned squad analysis is cold product. But talking energetically about the snubbing of favourite players will make the line go up.
This was present in the way Sky Sports cut from the actual live England squad press conference to breaking news we already knew, about Pep going. Mike staying. It was there even in the TV coverage of Tuchel at his desk. Here he is at last: vest-less in his merino hair shirt, the jaw, the cheekbones, the iconic hairline, the ears like razor blades, like a Calvinist priest announcing the end of the world. really enjoying it, all the while talking about balance, high-level rotation, and game scenarios.
Meanwhile, at the foot of the screen a series of messages scrolled by, jeeringly questioning Tuchel’s choices in real time, asking why would you pick x over y (where x. y have different qualities), or expressing open disgust at the omission of Morgan Gibbs-White in favour of other talented footballers.
Maguire has been a wedge issue here. It is worth drilling down into this. A day before the squad unveiling, Maguire took to social media to preannounce his heartfelt injustice at not being picked. In the process he saved us all time and effort by revealing exactly why he’s not going to the US.
Can you imagine a worse choice as reserve player on a seven-week trip than a footballer who thinks this is the correct way to behave,. the best way to support his teammates and his country? Spot‑on, Thomas. I wouldn’t want that guy wandering around the tennis courts between games either.
It isn’t hard to see why Tuchel made this choice on tactical grounds. Maguire is the slowest footballer in any elite game. Tuchel doesn’t want to play a deep defensive line by default. Do you take him as a squad player when the role is about chemistry and connection? Maybe ask Dan Burn. a more regular presence in qualification, who is now having his place openly questioned by a senior fellow pro. Thanks for that Harry. Case closed.
There are other disappointing omissions. Last summer Cole Palmer looked like the creative attacker to build a starting team around. But he hasn’t played well consistently for almost a year and is struggling for fitness. This is an evidence-based nonselection. The same goes for Phil Foden, another high-end talent who has lost his place in his club team. who has one England goal in his past 29 games. Football is, in its ideal form, a meritocracy. This is that.
The same goes for Trent Alexander-Arnold. who has a good a case to be picked as an unconventional game-breaker in tight matches. But three England tournaments in, he is still to do this. You can at least see why he might not be on the bus.
The omission of Adam Wharton is also a shame. But Tuchel likes power and speed. Meanwhile we have Jordan Henderson, on his way to his fourth World Cup, the first of which was in the company of Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard. Rickie Lambert. But again, there is a role here. The reserve who adds value, the Bellingham whisperer, the solid option for seeing out a game.
Finally, we have Ivan Toney. What exactly is he doing here? But Toney is, if nothing else, a pure killer, a don’t-give-a-stuff merchant. He will wander on, look cool and make a thing happen. He did it at the Euros. Again, it makes sense on Tuchel’s terms, even if you disagree with those terms.
Mainly, this is just a Tuchel‑shaped squad for a Tuchel‑shaped team. Perhaps it is even a moment to trust the manager, who is undoubtedly smart and big on detail. There are some contradictions to Tuchel’s presence as England coach. The Chelsea Champions League win is a bit of a one-off. He doesn’t actually have a massive knockout trophy pedigree beyond that.
But this will be a gruelling, episodic World Cup. England’s progress is likely to involve plenty of shots of Tuchel inputting boggle‑eyed tactical instructions while bottles of water are passed around. This is what he’s good at, breaking the game down, mainlining instant revisions.
Tuchel’s lack of baggage is also an advantage. There will be zero England culture stuff. Nobody is going to talk about old maids cycling to church, or the cultural semiotics of cheddar cheese. Here’s a theory: maybe Southgate’s heaviness of the shirt stuff didn’t really exist for these kids by the end. Maybe that belonged to his generation. Maybe all the talk just ended up reinforcing it.
Tuchel has no interest in this. He wants to win. He wants to eat in really good restaurants. He wants to wear tailored menswear and watch football. A Tuchel World Cup will be less noble, more ruthlessly pragmatic. It may even be a little more fun, better at focusing on the smallest details.
For now, we’re on our way. We are Tom’s 26. And this time, more than any other time, we’re going to find a way. Although, judging by all historical indicators, this may still be a bit of a reach. But. as ever, the surrounding energy tells you just as much about England football as the actual names on the list.
Discussion
Sign in to join the thread, react, and share images.